Not bad news. A little less than good news.

Today was another oncology appointment - a routine four-month scan and blood work. Dr. Kemeny came into the exam room and said, "Everything is fine." I responded by reminding her that come October 28th, I will be four years cancer-free. She said, "After four years we only do scans every six months. However..." and she began flipping through the radiologists CT report... "they're reporting a small indeterminable nodule on one of the lobes of one of your lungs, which I couldn't see when I looked at the scan. And I've been looking for it. So I don't want to go to six-month scans with you yet. I want to see you in four months and be sure this is nothing, ok?" I said ok and we said we'd see one another in four months. I walked out to the waiting room with that far too familiar feeling of floating out of the oncologists office that shows up whenever the doc gives me reason to wonder if I'm going to be okay, and I found myself in the waiting room walking aimlessly. I suddenly had the thought, "The road goes on forever and the party never ends." It's odd what pops into the mind randomly when contemplating the possibility of fighting for ones life again. I also noticed at the same time, my mind trying to think of ways to not spend the next four months anxiously waiting for my next scan. We all know where trying to not think of an elephant will get you. So at the moment, what's so, is that my scan was clear of any signs of cancer. And I'll deal with the wondering as it comes. And it usually comes in waves.

Early on after my first diagnosis was treated and no longer detectable, I asked my doc why they generally stop the CT scans after five years; why they don't keep scanning and looking for disease just in case. He said at that point, it can turn into a witch hunt. And if you scan anybody's body enough times, you're eventually going to find something that appears odd. So perhaps something just appeared odd. The cancer markers in my body are currently very low, below normal in fact. However, I had low cancer markers the first time I was diagnosed. But the second time, the count was above normal. So who knows. Right now I'm cancer-free. I'm not going to get hung up in the world of what if. And as I said, I'll deal with the waves as they come.