...With Deep Gratitude

I have had wonderful days lately. On Sunday I was re-presenced to the huge opportunity this cancer provides me. The opportunity to transform how I live my life: how I eat, how I sleep, how I think...how I love the people dearest to me... I could probably go on and on, but I think you get the idea.

So much of my life prior to this diagnosis, was focused on convenience. I did what I wanted to do and even when I could feel it wasn't best for me, I forced my way through because I wanted what ever it was I wanted: a few extra cocktails were compensated for with more coffee in the morning; skipped lunch so I could get more done at the office and then drank soda or coffee to push me through to dinner. "Oops! I can't wait until dinner - I'm starving and Burger King's right there - it will hold me over." "Hmm...it's bed time but I really want to watch the rest of this movie. I'll just sleep in a little later, power up with coffee and eat breakfast in the car." Living half the time unconscious and unaware and the other half unwilling to do what my body needs created a limited life - limited to managing a lot of...a lot of what is just unnecessary and it pulls at me and keeps me from the things most dear to me. To always push myself this way didn't allow for me to enjoy so many moments of my life because so much of it was being spent managing my self-created suffering.

Since my diagnosis, my entire day is spent listening to my body (minus a few of the times you read where I was...um...pushing myself too hard) and as a result of listening to my body, I am clear that I just don't have the constitution to live like I used to. Am I saying that was the cause of my having cancer? Not at all. If that was the case, tons of 37 year old men would have cancer, so thank God that is not the case! But the cancer got me to see that there is a far more enjoyable life available to me when I slow down and participate in those things that are truly important: #1 family; #2 health; #3 peacefulness throughout my day.

Peacefulness while I am with my family, i.e., getting ready in the morning and enjoying being with them, rather than rushing through the house and out the door with no time to spare because I did not get a sufficient nights rest and tried to make up for it by sleeping longer than I have time for. Lately, going at my body's pace has provided happiness...and sometimes it's not happiness because I do resist sometimes, but it does provide me with ease. It doesn't mean I'm not going to live with the passion that I have always lived with. That ain't ever gonna change!!! I just see that there's far more available to me out doing fewer things well than many things adequately and being a wonderful father, husband, brother and son is something I am committed to doing quite well. And that is certainly different from what I experienced nine or so months ago when I was just spreading myself far too thin - who I'm committed to being just wasn't an option the way I was doing it. The opportunity to have this realization and have grow within me, because I am home healing myself of cancer, is something I experience with deep gratitude.