Finding My Way Through

As far as colostomy care goes, I feel confident. It ain't exactly rocket science. The "getting used to it" is about 99% mental. I have my ups & downs with it. I also realize my only exposure to colostomies in the past was with someone who didn't control for gas and would occasionally "cloud the room" quite heavily and with no warning. One of my big fears was that I would have no control and I would do the same. Well now I know, I need not have that concern because it's no different than before I had the surgery. If you want to control for, it's not a problem. If you don't want to, I guess you could clear a room in no time. Fortunately for you, I prefer to former.

I have been keeping up on my walking and as a result, I feel well. And the pain near my suture seems to be decreasing a bit and that is good. I was a bit surprised by my need to be sedated for the draining. I generally have a high tolerance for pain. But as I look back on the last 16 months, I realize I have been through a great deal of pain - consistent - never ending - chronic pain - and it has definitely knocked me down a bit. I imagine it may take a while to get back to where I was. And getting there will be nice.

Getting back to my old self again will also be quite nice. There's a vulnerability that has shown up for me following the surgery. Part of it is simply because I had abdominal surgery and could get a hernia if I do anything to strenuous. No thank you. The other part is mental and I have learned from talking to other folks who had major surgery that there is often an adjustment period that follows. For me its a degree to which I don't feel 100% safe in the world. It's all mental, so essentially it's not real. But then again, everything is mental when it comes down to it, so it is in essence it's real until I find my way through it.

I have to say I am quite surprised that I was not informed of the adjustment period since it's pretty powerful. As I look back, I can say I was told that there would be just that - an "adjustment period." But I prefer direct as opposed to vague. You know? Give it to me straight. Tell me I may question myself or feel vulnerable in the world. Because believe it or not, going to the supermarket was a big deal for me the first time I went (just the other day). I walked in there thinking to myself, "I was just cut open - front & back - I better be careful." I can't imagine what I'd feel if someone bumped into me. Already once I squatted and hit my rear suture on the inside door handle of the car and damn near saw stars or went blind for a second or something - I'm not quite sure. But what matters most is the time it takes to adjust. It's powerful and must be respected or I will find myself under more stress than I need. And, I feel good being aware of the adjustment period. It allows me to maintain some objectivity as I find my way through.

Gerson Flashback???

It seems I took the weekend off from blog posting. By Sunday night my hope was to post something on Monday afternoon (yesterday), but at 4 AM on Monday morning I woke up to intense abdominal spasms. By 4:30 AM I took a Vicoden and sort of fell back asleep. I eventually woke up around 8 AM and spent all morning and early into the afternoon reeling from the pain. If I was on my back, the next spasm would have me on my knees and leaning over the back of the couch or on my knees and bending down with my head on the cushions - the way a newborn baby sometimes sleeps. Eventually, I would wake up in one of the said positions from another spasm and either turn over and lay on my back or my side in hopes that I would fall asleep before the next spasm came. I felt like a slow moving rotisserie chicken, minus the heat of course.

And the toughest part about it was that my brother, who I haven't seen in over a year, was in town for only 24-hrs. He arrived Sunday at 2 PM and we had lunch with our folks and then he left around 4 PM on Monday to have dinner with them and then see my Mom's performance at the Merry-Go-Round Theater in Auburn. Not how I hoped our visit would go. Our relationship has grown so much since our adolescent years where being right about...whatever...was more important to me than the little bit of compassion it takes to have a great relationship with one heck of a great guy. The best part was when I attempted to eat some cereal to help my stomach tolerate a dose of Cipro (antibiotic) - prescribed for what seems to be a UTI resulting from the catheter I was blessed with for most of my hospital stay. I got about a half a bowl of cereal in my belly before my stomach decided it would be happier empty. Yeah. I have to say that vomiting just short of two weeks post-abdominal surgery with staples in my abdomen isn't exactly a recipe for a good time. I rarely consider the feeling of someone taking their hand and gripping onto my abdominal staples and pulling as a fun. Then again, I've been considered a bit odd now and again - maybe it's just me.

Anyway, by mid-afternoon, Daniela decided to call my surgeon's office for their input. She had talked to me about it earlier, but since I had no fever, chills, etc., etc., I asked her to just give me some time. Well, once I threw-up we both agreed it was a symptom worthy of a phone call. After a short conversation with the Nurse Practitioner in Dr. Cagir's office, we agreed it was a little less than a "blockage" moving it's way through my intestines (not uncommon post-intestinal surgery) or possibly intestinal spasming. During our second conversation with the NP, she and I agreed I was dealing with intestinal spasming. It seems my diet was a little too rich when the family was here.

PAUSE - This is like a Gerson Therapy flashback: intense abdominal pain for long hours. Man. I had hoped those days were over. Even Daniela felt like we'd gone back in time to the days of the Gerson detox flareups.

By 6 PM, I was on strictly clear liquids and the spasming had seriously diminished, but it was still there a little. So, at 6:30 PM, I took some Milk-of-Magnesia and got everything moved out a little more quickly. The spasming naturally increased as I had anticipated, but I took another Vicoden and after about half-an-hour and a few very difficult spasms, I found myself peacefully relaxing on the couch watching the Red Sox (loosing unfortunately). The point was to move through whatever was triggering my intestines and get it out of there ASAP.

By the way, you may be wondering how sports ever found its way into this blog. Well after 13-years of living without cable or antennae, we decided to take advantage of the local cable company's internet/telephone/cable deal - same price as what we were paying for internet and phone - you know how it goes. With all my "rest" and pain management, hockey playoffs into basketball playoffs into Summertime baseball has been the progression. As long as I stay away from television drama, I can control my addiction to the "boob-tube," which explains to you why I chose to be without it for the last 13-years. Some people find they can't stop drinking alcohol once they start. I have the same difficulty with drama TV. Some may say I'm "still using" even if I watch TV, but there's nothing like a good ball game to keep me clean.

When I woke up today, I was a bit hesitant to move too quickly - concerned about another bout of abdominal spasms. Fortunately, I was free of such problems. On Monday night, the Milk-of-Mag moved the last of whatever was causing the spasming right out of my system. And I ate very conservatively today. I'm going to ease food back into my body.

Oh. And most importantly, Dr. Cagir requested I have a CT Scan on Thursday, along with my previously scheduled appointment to have these staples removed, just to be sure all is well. I'm told I will feel much better once these metal hooks are out of my belly. I'll let you know.

surgery update

hello dear blog readers! bert's surgery went very well today. all of the tumor is OUT!!!! gone-zo. adios. later alligator!!!!! dr. cagir met with me after the surgery and explained that the tumor was removed along with surrounding tissue, and that the surrounding tissue was cancer free. he then explained that as they were removing it, the tumor tore...like split...we need to wait for pathology reports to tell us if the tumor was still alive or dead. if it was dead, no biggie. if it was still live cancer, not as good. we'll see...if he had to put a few nickels on one or the other, he thought dead tumor based on the way it tore...he also put a bunch-a little titanium marker-clips for some further radiation near the tailbone area. should not be more than a week or 2 of radiation. from there, more chemo...bert was true to his humorous form after he awoke from surgery. asked the nurse for a beer. the good doc messed with him a little after surgery. just as bert awoke, the doc said, "ok...are ya ready to go into surgery now??" i think he got him good for a moment! oh, i forgot to check to see if the doc indeed sewed his bottom together in the smiley-face-cross stitch...more to report tomorrow...g'night!! love, daniela