Chemotherapy So Far

Well, this weekend didn't turnout so well. The side-effects I experienced from the chemotherapy this week were a little more unpleasant than what I had experienced last Spring. I do have the flu symptoms like I did last Spring. However, I was able to make it to our 10-year olds soccer game on Saturday which was quite a treat.

What really has me stumped right now is simply that I am doing chemotherapy. Period. Not that I don't believe it's the proper path to take. It's just that when I had cancer in my body, chemo made sense. When I had serious pain due to the tumor, chemo made sense. However, it's a tough step to take emotionally, when I feel so damn good and I know there is no cancer in my body. And to lose my energy, my strength, my appetite...to feel nauseous all as a result of the treatment? It's tough.

Once the tumor was gone and the cancer non-existent, a friend asked if I was still going to continue the blog. For me, I'm still heavy in treatment and sharing with you how it's going for me is as much my intention now as it was in the beginning. And honestly, at this moment, my response is even more clear to me now than it was two months ago when Dr. Cagir told me I was cancer-free. At this moment, I honestly can not imagine what it's going to be like for me to endure 6-months of this. Today is only the fifth day after my first chemo treatment and about six hours of this afternoon included a debilitating migraine headache, again preceded and
followed by nausea, flu symptoms and just about no appetite.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am cancer-free as a result of the treatments I have endured. And that staying strong and being open to the treatment and being tolerant of the experience will by all means put me in a better position to receive it. Yet, I would be lying to you if I were to say I was feeling anything other than dread, at this moment, at the thought of doing eleven more of these treatments, thus perpetuating this miserable feeling.

Yeah, "letting go" has been a way of being that has kept me looking cancer, death, pain, misery - whatever - everything it has been for the last 18 months - right in the eye with no intention of backing down. And right now, I look at the idea of letting go and all I want to do is hold on. At this moment, all I want to do is hold on to what has been so beautiful - felling strong and full of energy - feeling alive and not a second more of pain to endure. And instead I feel too sick and unable to do even the simple things.

So right now life does not occur like I am anywhere close to out of the dark. Right now I feel like I am neck deep with a difficult road ahead of me. I will find my strength. I don't question that. However, I am clear that I do not know what the journey ahead will look like, nor do I know what it will take for me to get through it and keep myself on top. At this point, I've got nothing but faith.

Chemotherapy can be quite taxing - especially on the immune system - and as a result I am extremely vulnerable to cold & flu. So, naturally we will insist that anyone who is not feeling 100% healthy or has been near anyone not feeling 100% healthy or has even thought about being near someone who is not feeling 100% healthy, to refrain from a visit to our home. You cards, calls and emails mean a great deal to us. As always, thank you for your incredible support. We love you.

What's Next

I am finally off of antibiotics!!!! Man - these things were making me miserable. I was down right depressed this afternoon and not even for a good reason. Hell, I should be the happiest person in the world right now. And Daniela reminded me that being on two quite powerful antibiotics will do that to you. She's right.

So what's next is supposedly another series of radiation treatments [I wonder if my surgeon is a sadist...just kidding] and definitely another series of chemotherapy treatments. There has yet to be a specific decision as to which type of chemo I will receive. I imagine that will happen on September 3rd at my next day of appointments.

Sure I'm cancer-free right now (and I plan to keep it that way) but I'm not quite certain when the oncological staff consider me cancer-free. And to tell you the truth I see it this way. I currently do not have cancer in my body. Once I have completed the upcoming radiation and chemotherapy treatments and the only appointments that remain are my monthly blood tests and...I dunno...quarterly CT/PET scans, THEN I will truly consider myself cancer-free.

That may seem a bit odd. Maybe it's just my way of keeping my shoulder to the wheel for these upcoming chemotherapy and radiation treatments - ya know? I can't imagine they will be any more pleasant than they have been in the past. And I doubt they'll be so fun that I'll be inviting people over for chemo. Not to mention I'd probably need a license for that. Can you hear the medical board? I'm sorry sir, you want to do what? Wow. That would be a bit odd. But don't worry - I wont put you on the spot.

So as they say: It ain't over until the fat lady sings or should I say until the fat man sings [that would be Jerry Garcia, of course]. Granted he ain't doing much singing lately, but once it's all said and done and I'm financially back on my feet, I will throw one hell of a cancer-free party and there will be plenty of songs by Jerry Garcia playing over the PA - in between the sets of live music, of course.

Oh and one more thing. My CD is supposed to be here any day! I'll definitely let you know.

Another CT Scan For Thursday

I am doing well as far as how the antibiotic impacts my stomach. Now I only take the stuff on top of a big meal. And I've got back up options shared from others as well if my stomach is still irritated.

The rest of my body feels pretty good. I go on about two walks a day. This morning I was feeling pretty depressed - I don't want a colostomy and in fact don't want anything to do with a colostomy. So, from sitting in my recliner depressed, I got up off my butt and went for an hour long walk. Not only did it feel great as far as my healing body goes, but it just about vanished any feelings of depression. Exercise is a beautiful thing. Plus I saw two neighbors I really like and got to tell them the great news. I still can't tell people I'm cancer-free without crying.

Sitting is still a little painful, so my Nurse Practitioner has scheduled another CT Scan for Thursday. And of course, if the infection is worse, they will re-admit me and insert a drainage catheter as well as prescribe me an IV antibiotic. I'll let you know on Thursday. Believe it or not, I'm shootin' for not being readmitted.

A Bit if Anger

Lately, I found a bit of anger moving through me "when I wasn't looking." It showed up a little indirectly - by way of my complaining about this person or that person or maybe every person I could think of. Oh and no. If you're wondering, it wasn't you. It was everybody else. And I didn't even realize I was being so negative until Daniela spoke up. It was just flowing through me without much notice by me.

What really got me square in the face was yesterday afternoon. I felt inclined to turn off the ball game for a little while and I took a moment to pray. As I was giving thanks to God for all I have been given, the thought went through my mind, "I have no faith in you. All my faith and I have a colostomy to show for it." Well trust me, it was no sooner that I thought it than I was deeply humbled by my own arrogance. After ALL I have been blessed with - a beautiful family, endless support from my community and then to be declared CANCER-FREE, it hardly seems sane to have lost faith. Sure glad I wasn't put to the test like Job. I barely made it this far.

So anyway, no. I do not want a colostomy. And trust me. I was humbled to tears that my faith had wavered so deeply after being so blessed. And, I am grateful that I took the time to pray at that moment, so I could see myself and where I am in this process. I also want to acknowledge it is not my intention to boast. I only want to honestly share what I experience because it was so very powerful.

And for Daniela, it has not been easy to hear all my complaining lately. ONE, because I haven't even been complaining about anything anyone has done. As I look back, I've essentially just been complaining about different people's various faults. Heck, if I want to complain about that, I've got fuel for a lifetime of complaints. I can add myself to the list for that matter. And TWO, she can see quite clearly that something is going on for me, yet she doesn't need to hear so much negativity. And that has been difficult for me as well. What a cranky old bum - Shut up!!!

Don't get me wrong - I wasn't going on and on all day long. But it was enough that we both noticed it. And I can see I've been mad about a combination of things - all that we have been through emotionally, financially, physically, spiritually. There has been immense beauty in this experience and clearly not without a cost.

I'll find my way to peace with this colostomy - you can be certain about that. But right now, I'm pissed that I have to deal with the thing. And I didn't really realize it right out of the gates because there was no ONE to be mad at - no one to blame. Fortunately, at the moment, my experience of the colostomy care feels more like the times I have had a cast on a broken limb and had to manage it. It feels temporary. yet it's so unbelievably foreign and odd and absurd that I truly can barely get my head around the permanence of it. But obviously a part of me is very aware of the permanence of it all. And clearly not pleased.

So, I have been reflecting upon that a whole lot lately. I am deeply grateful for the privilege to have life and indeed a cancer-free life at that. Taking a minute to be with that, my gratitude is truly greater than I can express. And it's odd to be so grateful for my life and at the same time, angry about the colostomy. Not an uncommon experience in life - gratitude and disappointment at the same time. But it's hard to compare similar experiences from the past to the last 16-months of my life.

A Beautiful Privilege

On Tuesday when Dr. Cagir informed me of the biopsy results, I understood what he said but I honestly couldn't really get my head around it. I kept thinking about it and indeed it filled me with joy, but after living for 16-months in the world of "I have cancer," it just didn't sink in.

However, this evening I spoke with a few different friends and it suddenly hit me - I don't have cancer. Sadly, there are people in the world who have cancer right now. And, I am not one of them. And to say that almost seems absurd or even false. Every day for 16-months there has always been one thing on my mind when I wake up that has not changed - the thought that I have cancer. And now when I wake up I still have that thought. I have to remind myself - You don't have cancer. And it seems so foreign.

I don't have cancer. I don't have cancer. I'm laughing right now because I can't believe I can say that. Sure I will have a little more radiation and then I'll have a serious chemotherapy treatment - 3 to 6 months - to see to it that things stay this way. But right now for the first time since Tuesday March 27, 2007, I can say with certainty, I do not have cancer.

I suppose I could write it 78 more times so I really start to get it. However, I think that would make for some really dry reading, so I'll save you the trouble and just read it to myself a few more times.

What a beautiful, beautiful privilege it is to say those words.

I'm Home With Incredible News!!!

We arrived home at 4:35 this afternoon. As soon the car door was open, I heard the waterfall & stream and just got teary eyed. It is so good to be home. Surgery is such an exhausting and powerful experience. I did have a concern about coming home too soon. However, Dr. Cagir felt it was safer to be home and away from the hospital, than to be at the hospital where "super-germs" are known to thrive. So home we came.

25-minutes after we arrived home, Dr. Cagir called to inform us that the biopsy done on the tissue removed from my body was complete. ALL OF THE TISSUE THAT WAS REMOVED FROM MY BODY - TUMOR INCLUDED - IS 100% CANCER-FREE!!! What that means is the chemotherapy and radiation treatments, killed, dissolved or melted away 100% of the cancer that has been alive in my body. And what that means is that at this moment, I am currently 100% cancer-free. I can not begin to express what I am feeling in my heart right now.

Minimally, I will tell you that on the ride home I was dreading the coming chemotherapy and radiation treatments I will receive once I am recovered from surgery. Right now my only thought is that I will do what ever it takes to be cancer-free. My head hurts from the tears that have been streaming down my face for the last four hours. And I am so tired I can't write anymore and I have to close my eyes and go to sleep. I am sure I will write more tomorrow.

surgery update

hello dear blog readers! bert's surgery went very well today. all of the tumor is OUT!!!! gone-zo. adios. later alligator!!!!! dr. cagir met with me after the surgery and explained that the tumor was removed along with surrounding tissue, and that the surrounding tissue was cancer free. he then explained that as they were removing it, the tumor tore...like split...we need to wait for pathology reports to tell us if the tumor was still alive or dead. if it was dead, no biggie. if it was still live cancer, not as good. we'll see...if he had to put a few nickels on one or the other, he thought dead tumor based on the way it tore...he also put a bunch-a little titanium marker-clips for some further radiation near the tailbone area. should not be more than a week or 2 of radiation. from there, more chemo...bert was true to his humorous form after he awoke from surgery. asked the nurse for a beer. the good doc messed with him a little after surgery. just as bert awoke, the doc said, "ok...are ya ready to go into surgery now??" i think he got him good for a moment! oh, i forgot to check to see if the doc indeed sewed his bottom together in the smiley-face-cross stitch...more to report tomorrow...g'night!! love, daniela