Shortly after my December appointment with my oncologist, I received a
call from Memorial Sloan Kettering to schedule the removal of the hepatic artery pump I've been carrying around for the last five years.
I thanked them for the call and said I hadn't made up my mind yet. I
kept having two thoughts. Logic kept telling me I should keep the pump
in for another five years 'just in case.' My heart kept saying 'it's
time to have it removed and move on' and I'd cringe as I imagined myself
going to the local oncologist every eight-weeks to have the pumped
refilled (for routine maintenance). This image is really what had me
realize it's time to have it removed.
I'm incredibly fortunate,
perhaps just damn lucky that I'm not only alive but actually in
remission. And to return to the oncologist every eight-weeks for an
indefinite future of pump maintenance would keep my mind in a constant
cancer mindset. It's really not a logical explanation for why I'm doing
it but it is the truth. I mean, my oncologist did recommend it which
obviously is very encouraging, but there's also a part of me that wants
very much to return to the world that so many of you live in - a world
that doesn't include regular caner-prevention maintenance. A world where
I no longer get pats on the back and words of affirmation for still
being cancer-free and alive. I actually can't really remember what it's
even like but it sounds a little more peaceful - a little more free than
how I feel right now. And if my doctor didn't think it was a good idea,
she wouldn't recommend it. It was just up to me to take the leap.
Now
I can't leave out that my son, who is now ten years old, began to cry
when I initially told him my doc recommended I have the pump removed.
His first response was, "But what if you get cancer again?" I gave him a
hug then he sat on my lap and we talked for a bit about why Dr. Kemeny
recommended I have it removed, that there are downsides to keeping it in
place (infection, blood vessels growing around the pump, which may have
already started, to name a few). He began to understand and the next
day I checked in with him and he thought it was a good idea to have it
removed. I honestly wouldn't have scheduled the procedure without his
understanding. I needed to know that it made sense to him. Not that long
long ago he said, "Papa, it's a miracle that you're still alive." He
understands the magnitude of a cancer diagnosis. I needed us both to be
on the same page.
So a few weeks ago I met with Mike
Di'Angelica, the surgeon who resected my liver and installed the pump
back in 2011. We discussed the ins and outs of the procedure and when I
brought up the fact that the pump can't be reinstalled once it's
removed, he told me that in my specific case it's pretty likely he could
install a second one if he had to. THAT stopped me in my tracks. After
all that thought and reflection, all the preparation it took to get me
here, I find out he can install another one if he had to?? He said I was
a special case for him because all he had to do was cut off part of my
liver and - boom - all done. Most of his patients got to him because
they've been told they have inoperable tumors and he has to determine
what can be removed and what can't. So, yeah, heaven forbid I have a
recurrence in my liver, he can probably install another pump. To tell
you the truth, it felt great to learn about this
after I decided to go ahead with it because I went into it fully decided with no attachments and no 'what ifs.'
It's
an out-patient procedure so I need a driver at the end of the day so I
invited my friend Sparx to join me and he agreed to. Sparx accompanied
me to NY back in 2011 when I went in for the liver surgery and pump
installation. I thought it would be nice to have him complete the
victory lap with me.
It's funny. This afternoon, I
almost couldn't work. All at once the emotion hit me and all I wanted to
do was be outside on this beautiful day. I was thinking about the fact
that it's been ten years since it all started. Ten. Years. I had so much
emotion moving through me and I really needed to work, so I did what
felt right. I closed off my part of the shop, put
Back in Black in
the CD player, and cranked it. There's something about that album for
my generation. It goes right to core. Then I went for a walk while I ate
my lunch. What a beautiful day it was.
So this
Friday could be the last time I have a surgical procedure for this
ordeal that began a decade ago almost to the day. It was March of 2007
that I was diagnosed for the first time. And this
could be it.
All day I've had a Rolling Stones tune in my head
Well this could be the last time
This could be the last time
Maybe the last time
I don't know
The
only exception is that I was mostly hearing that Grateful Dead sing it
today. This really could be the last time. That would be something.