Sunday, December 16, 2012

Quarterly Scan

Monday December 17th I head to NYC for my quarterly CT scan & blood work. I haven't been this anxious about a scan since my very first one five and a half years ago. Honestly it feels like the results will tell me one of two tings:

A) You have had a recurrence


B) You haven't had a recurrence yet.

My once, nearly unshakable confidence has indeed been rattled. So much of what I thought was "my life" is no longer. A part of that has to do with the prognosis being "very likely only a matter of time before it's back." That on top of everything else has begun to weigh heavy on me.

I believe an individual's intention makes a difference. I just no longer have unwavering intention about my future.  If I at all felt like there was something holding me up other than me, I would feel a little more grounded. Yet from another perspective, my son & step-son give me reason to stand on my own. And so I do.

And I can't help but notice a change in who I am right now. When I heard about the news in Connecticut on Friday, I shed a few tears for a total of five minutes. A year ago, I would have shed tears on and off for a few days. I feel maxed out, like there's not much to give right now. Like a dear in the headlights. I know I should react but I feel kinda frozen.

Maybe after five and a half years of high stress, one things after another, there's going to be some impact. I'm exhausted. My emotions are by no means "off," but there appears to have been a shift and I feel wiped out. Every day.

I believe this will change over time. We find our way back. Human beings are incredible. But I can't help but wonder if this is some kind of post-trauma emotional crash of some sort. For those who don't interact with me regularly, some perspective would help. Groceries are purchased, food is cooked, laundry is done, the house is clean. Play dates and birthday parties and great times with the grandparents are common in my little boy's life. I'm just tired right now. Physically and emotionally tired.

Tomorrow I do a round trip to NYC. Hopefully driving home with good news.


  1. My heart is holding yours.
    love, Drama

  2. I don't know if this bit of insight will help, but I will share it anyway. In the military community, when a soldier deploys, we have briefings on what to expect while they are gone and when they return. One of the things we are taught is that it is okay to go into "survival mode" while our partner is away. Survival mode is described as living day to day and doing the things that need to be done, without "feeling" too much. A sort of shut down of emotions and expectations and hopes. It's a coping method that our minds and hearts go through when it is too painful to miss our loved one. I don't know what dealing with cancer is like, but I imagine it to be more intense and scary than having a loved one deploy for a year. I guess what I'm saying is it's okay to be in survival mode, and you will rediscover your emotions and hopes. I want to tell you how brave I think you are for sharing your experience so honestly.

    1. Dania that really helps. It makes sense that survival mode is what has been going on for me. I appreciate the insight.

  3. The good news has already been announced! Your tiredness is normal. One can only take so much at a time and with all your daily responsibilities, your energy is zapped. It is also the darkest part of the year which has an effect on us. We are taught to be super humans. When we get to the end of day filled with over achievements, we need to remember we accomplished a lot in 24 hours. So, go easy on yourself. Keep making that little boy and yourself happy.