So, right now at this moment, I have to tell you, I feel like I'm frozen. I have just let the cat out of the bag and now I have to deal with myself - with my emotions and judgments. Why? Because I have a HUGE problem with having a colostomy and an even HUGER problem with the idea of you knowing about it. I am clear that I have been uncomfortable about people knowing about the colostomy. And why? Well, if you think about it, I don't really want to know how you do what you do in the bathroom. And I'm sure the feeling is mutual. It's a topic we don't really discuss - at least I don't! And by sharing this with you, I'm now discussing it.
However, there was something else there for me. Something else even bigger that was keeping me from being honest or at least willing to share this aspect of my experience. I have known about this since March and couldn't bare the thought of making it public. I have been so confronted at the thought of sharing this information on the blog, that Sunday night (just two nights ago) I even went so far as to create a second blog - invitation only - for those folks who knew I was to have a colostomy. I was going to do my non-colostomy posts on this blog and then the colostomy posts on the other blog. So, I posted my first entry and asked those who were invited to keep quiet about it. Via Blogger, I had sent out my first batch of invitations and I was in the process of determining who else was to be added to the list.
Fortunately, my friend Jim Steigerwald - a dear friend of nearly 20 years - sent me an email after receiving his invitation from me to be a member of my private blog. Jim has always been a great friend - right from the day I met him. He's actually an amazing guy in general. Here's a piece of the response he wrote to me regarding my decision to keep the colostomy a secret:
What I love about Jim is that he maintains a high level of integrity in his relationships such that he's only willing to speak the truth. Jim invited me to look at what I was unwilling to see and in my book that is a true friend and for that I am grateful to you Jim.
After reading Jim's email, it hit me how uncharacteristic of me it was to keep it a secret. Daniela had encouraged me to look at what had me choose to keep it a secret as soon as she learned of my decision as well. But I couldn't see it. And I was unwilling to make myself vulnerable to so many people when I hadn't a clue as to what this fear was all about.
Well, upon reading Jim's email it hit me. I have always felt pity for those people who have colostomies. In my mind, pity holds a judgment. Compassion would have me open my heart to a person with a colostomy or anything else for that matter. Pity had me look down upon them and feel sorry for them. And for me to be of those who are pitied and looked down upon disgusted me. And with that I suddenly realized how presumptuous and ignorant it was of me to have made up this story about how life was for others - that their life was one that deserved pity. I even took on the roll of being embarrassed for you if you had a colostomy. I feel no pride in being this way. However, I am incredibly grateful to have distinguished what it was that had stopped me dead in my tracks from being honest about my experience.
I also want to say I am clear that once I have fully come to terms with having a colostomy, and I am absolutely certain I will, it will just be a normal part of my life. And should someone go the path I went and pity me, that will be for them to deal with. However, I have not come to terms with having a colostomy. On Sunday, I met with a woman from the area who has an ileostomy - essentially the same as a colostomy except that with an ileostomy you have no large intestine at all. She was great. We talked about everything - the good, the bad and the ugly. She even left me a pouch with the adhesive attachment so I could start to determine if I want it above my belt line or below. Apparently, I will be given some choice in the matter. Well, I haven't even touched the thing since she left. I will, but right now whenever I ask myself, "Is today the day?" I feel the resentment stirring. Maybe tomorrow. Not today.
And since I have the floor, let me say something else. Even the word itself sounds unpleasant - col-OST-omy. Why can't it be a softer sounding word, like stoma? The stoma is the bit of intestine that will be the exit from my abdomen. It may look kinda ugly - all bright red and poking out, but its a nice soft sounding word - it works for me. Stoma. But colostomy? C'mon. To say it out loud, it almost sounds like you're clearing mucous from your throat. Col-AUGHST-omy. Yuck. Who came up with this word? Certainly not anyone who had one!!!
So what's the reason for the colostomy? Even if the radiation and chemotherapy removed any sign of the tumor all together - if it was 100% gone - it is standard procedure when possible, to remove any organ or tissue that he cancer has entered. If the rectum and sphincter were not removed, there would still be a strong possibility of the cancer returning to that area. And if it did return, statistics show that because it has grown through the rectal tissue and entered the sphincter muscle, should it metastasize, it would very likely metastasize to my pelvis (as opposed to my lungs and liver). And my surgeon, Dr. Cagir, made it very clear to me that unlike lung or liver metastasis, pelvic metastasis is accompanied by an excruciating level of pain that no living - or should I say dying - person would want experience. He saw it once and told me the maximum dose of morphine did not relieve the pain. So as you can imagine, I am all for having the surgery. I will do whatever it takes to stay healthy. So sign me up. I plan on sticking around.