Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Truth About What's So

I guess I've been a little slow to post lately. I haven't felt particularly inspired to write what's been going on with me. I've been kinda blue as of late. And there has been a lot of emotion directed my way from those dear to me about how I should be doing things. I interpret it as a gauge for how people in my life are responding to what I'm going through and how concerned they are.

This all leads me to wonder, if I was more self-expressed about what was going on with me, might people have an easier time being with the whole thing themselves? I don't know. It's a pretty tough situation, but since it's a possibility, and certainly no secret, my situation is a frightening one. I either get better or I get a whole lot worse. I know that's in the mind of a lot of people because it's in my mind when I hear about others with a Stage IV diagnosis. And it's my mind about myself right now.

As I'm typing this, I'm looking across the room at a photo of my little boy. Last week I was ready to make a deal with anybody who would listen: just give me until my boy is 20 and then you can take me with no argument. "No argument." That's funny. Like arguing would make any difference.

And then there has been other issues this week. My source of disability insurance claims I currently owe them money, which is absolutely absurd. So in the mean time, as I wait for them to figure out the source of their mistake, I'll be going to the Department of Social Services to see if I'm eligible for Emergency Financial Assistance. I used to sign those documents so my residents could receive it. I never thought I would be a potential recipient.

So the last couple days have been really difficult. And fortunately, a dear friend made a few calls to some other friends and paid a few of my bills for me. People have been incredibly generous. I'm incredibly humbled and equally grateful.

I feel like I've shared too much. Maybe it's just been while since I've been willing to be this honest.


  1. Sending vibes, well wishes, good thoughts, prayers and love your way my brother. Wish there was more I could do.
    Larry V.

  2. Bert.....I think of you so often. The questions you are asking I have also asked of myself. Jim is not very forthcoming and I have spent most of my mental reflection on my own. It is a difficult road we tread....all of us. Of course you know that. Jim got sick when he was 31. I was 26 and totally unprepared for the news that August day. I was 5 months pregnant with Jim. We never knew from day to day what was going to happen. There was no one to counsel us. I had no way to deal with Jim's silence. It was a really frightening place. I look back and it still hurts. When I read your fb comment I had to respond. I think that talking about your feelings is a good thing. I think your blog is a good way to do that. Neither of us had that chance.....we had not one to talk to....not even each other. "Life is so hard". This is not a lecture point.....this is the way I feel. It is hard. I look forward to hearing you play again and the great time I've had hearing your band. Love you Bert.