Cancer-Based Social Networking Sites

I have found a couple of great social networking websites designated for people with cancer or people with loved ones who have cancer. One of those sites is called Planet Cancer. Planet Cancer is designed for people in their 20's & 30's who have cancer. It's a great site because it creates the space for people diagnosed with cancer to connect with and support one another. And perusing the site can also be a painful experience as you start to notice the various ages and how young some of these people are. The bottom line is that it is available and it is making a difference for a lot of people.

Another social networking site for folks with cancer is called My Crazy Sexy Life. This site was created by Kris Karr who I have referred to before (based on her book & film Crazy Sexy Cancer). It's very female oriented - makes sense since it was created by a woman - yet there is still plenty available for men who are dealing with cancer. Both of these sites are in part about being empowered in your relationship to cancer and getting the support you need to stay there. They're really great.

Free of Chemo Side Effects

I believe I am finally free of the chemo side effects. My sleep schedule is still way off (it's 3:50 AM right now) but I'll turn that around in time. Having the side effects gone has allowed me to enjoy cold and frozen foods which is quite nice during this hot weather. And it's a strange feeling to not be experiencing side effects of even detox flare ups. Most of the last year has been filled with one form or another of pain. Fortunately, standing for more than a minute or so is relatively painful, so I can feel all the pain I need when ever I feel like I'm going without. Just kidding...

Getting Closer

Last night I watched the Fresno State Bulldogs beat the Georgia Bulldogs in the 3rd and final game of the NCAA World Series. Fresno was the underdog, so to watch them win was such a treat. I was rooting for them from the beginning of the series and I was thrilled when they won. As I watched them celebrate, I soaked up their excitement just as I did when the Celtics won the NBA Championship. To watch anyone take on huge odds and win is an amazing experience and right now at this point, I'm going to soak up as much of that as I can!


Today I met with my Dr. Cagir & Nan Walsh (my surgeon and his "right hand"/Nurse Practitioner) and some other hospital staff to complete the pre-surgery intake for my upcoming exam and then surgery to follow. It was a lot of questions about my current health as well as an EKG and chest a x-ray. My surgeon will do a exam along with an ultrasound on Wednesday July 2nd to have a last look at the tumor. Due to the pain I would experience were I to be conscious, I will be anesthetized. I am not looking forward to the pain that will follow for a few days following his exploratory exam, but it's in my best interest so it's what I will do.

I'll have a CT scan the following week and then the big surgery will be on July 16th. No, I am not looking forward to that. They say the pain management will be excellent, but I've always been the type to believe it when I see it. So, I'll let you know if they were right come the 16th or as soon as I can post a blog entry.

In the mean time, I will do my best to keep a cool head. Daniela and her Dad have both reminded me that the pain is always worse in our minds because pain can not actually be remembered - we can only remember our reaction to it and imagine what is to come. And as they say so, I recall that it generally does go that way. I'll try to keep that in mind as the date gets closer.

Chemo Induced Dreams

The chemo side effects that I am most familiar with - flu symptoms & feeling toxic - seem to be less prevalent this time around. However, my most recent side effects have been dreams that seem to go on and on with no end in sight to the point that I feel exhausted when I wake up.

Last night - or more accurately this morning, since I woke up from the dream a little before 7 AM - I dreamt of the world as I knew it coming to an end as a result of humans who lost their sense of self and then inflicted the same misery on anyone they could find. Kind of like one of those zombie movies where the victim gets infected with the plague that makes s/he become one of the attackers.

The dream was actually completely illogical because no matter how many times I found myself cornered by these mindless people - or whatever they were - I always found a way out of their grip and I would be back on the run from them again. And each time I escaped what seemed like their inevitable capture, the solution would fail and I would be forced back on the run again. For instance, at one point in the dream, I realized that if I could find and collect enough 1/4" screws - screws that were being used to connect conduit [conduit is steel pipe used for protecting electric wires or cables] - I would be able to escape this terrible fate. Yet every time I had almost enough of screws to free myself (???), I would find myself losing them or throwing them at the people coming after me and I would have to start all over again.

Yeah. It made no sense once I woke up, but it did an excellent job of keeping me caught up in a never ending, unresolvable and deadly situation that was, to tell you the truth, quite exhausting once I woke from it. And, this is not the first time I had a dream that was never ending and exhausting. These dreams started shortly after I began this latest round of chemotherapy.

Now that I think about it, it seems the dream may have been a reflection of my subconscious fears of having continuous dealings with cancer in the future. There is always the possibility the cancer can return and then more treatments must be done. It also reminds me of what I have learned of the ego and its desperate grasping for permanence in the present form that it recognizes, i.e., Bert Scholl on June 24, 2008 at 10:25 AM and all of my past in this lifetime - the "me" that the ego thinks it is. The reason I have interpreted it this way, is that the topic of the ego has been on my mind lately. So, looking back at it, my dream consistently brought me to a place where death was inevitable, but then I would find myself once again fully alive and trying to evade death - kind of like a skip in a record. It just kept repeating over and over. It seemed like an expression of the ego's inability to truly conceive its own impermanence or you could say, the permanence of death (at least in the physical realm) and therefore my dream may have represented my egos struggle to remain in charge in a realm where it simply can not exist. And it seems that in my dream, the only way it can do that is to stop at the moment before death and return to the only form it recognizes.

Eckhart Tolle does an excellent job (and in fact far better than me) of explaining the ego's struggle for survival is his newest book A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Believe it or not, Oprah Winfrey & Eckhart Tolle created an on-line course based upon the teachings in the book. I have viewed the first class of the series and I am quite impressed.

...and that's what you get when you mix my brain with a healthy serving of chemotherapy!

Trudging Through the Side Effects

Well, those lovely chemotherapy side effects kicked in yesterday afternoon. My folks arrived around 1 PM and I really enjoyed talking with them and having them here at the house. I am blessed to have my folks live only an hour from us. Then fatigue hit me. I went into the other room to lay down - just for a moment - and outside of getting up to eat - I didn't leave the couch until 4 AM. It was around 3 AM when I finally fell asleep. So what were my side effects this time? I was wide awake and had flu symptoms, specifically, muscle & joint aches.

Thank goodness for cable. I was able to watch NCAA Baseball Playoffs late into the night...and into the morning for that matter. I love being able to watch the playoffs at some absurd hour when I can't sleep. Plenty of channels seem to be pretty good about replaying the games late at night. And not only do I truly enjoy the playoffs of almost any sport, but I love watching college level playoffs. These kids are putting everything they've got into the game. And keep in mind that I have not had cable (or antennae for that matter) since 1995.

Without a television I don't get too involved in sports because reading about games doesn't do it for me if it's the only access I have to the game. And without a television, I learned to tune in to the Oakland Raiders on KSFO 560 AM via the internet. And a couple of World Series ago, I tuned off the lights, closed my eyes and tuned in on the radio. What a great way to catch a game.

Now it's the Boston Red Sox LIVE on cable as often as they will run the games. I laugh when I see commercials for Reality TV. Live Sports on TV is the greatest reality TV I have ever seen. And lately, with my brain and body so heavy with chemo, my only goal is to make it through the day and televised sports is a great way to pass the time. My big goal or should I say gift to myself is to to get myself to Fenway Park at the end of September and catch a Red Sox game. They're playing the New York Yankees on the last weekend of September and since my step-son is a Yankees fan, I think it will be a great game for the two of us to see. Heck, it's probably been over 20 years since I've seen the Red Sox play at Fenway Park. Should I be in good shape by the end of September, I will do what ever I can to get the two of us to that game. Boy won't that be a blast!

Summer Vacation...well, kind of.

Strangely enough, I feel pretty good right now and that's odd. The Saturdays following my last two chemo treatments were not pleasant. And, the symptoms seem to come and go without warning. By the time I finish this entry, I could be feeling quite lousy. Yesterday afternoon I was hit with a pretty unpleasant bout of nausea. I took am anit-nausea pill and fell asleep. I woke up feeling lousy, but not nauseous and hat was a plus.

On a different note, it sure was great to have the chemo pump removed yesterday, knowing I am not scheduled to receive any more chemotherapy until early September. I feel like I am on Summer Vacation...well, kind of. The weather is beautiful and the sound of the water flowing over the waterfall and through the creek is such a soothing sound. People sometimes ask if we even notice the sound of the water anymore, since we hear it every day. The answer is YES. Absolutely. It's an incredibly relaxing environment to be in and I am quite grateful to be blessed with it.

Today is the second day of the Ithaca Festival. This will be the second year in a row that I will not perform in the festival with my band or singing in a friends in his band. I always enjoy performing at the Ithaca Festival. Once I'm back on my feet, it will be nice to get back up on stage. And I am not in a rush. One thing I have learned in the last year is to do what ever it is my body tells me to do. And right now my body is saying, "Go soak in a hot tub." So that's what I'm going to do.

Fingers Crossed

It's 1:20 AM and I just took an anti-nausea pill. I am clear how very fortunate I have been to be without the nausea side effect up until this point. I took anit-nausea pills shortly following my last round of chemo, but that was only after I felt the slightest nausea sensation in my stomach.

This time I am actually feeling nauseas. Man-oh-man, I am sure I am not alone when I say this is one side effect I want absolutely nothing to do with. My stomach feels nauseas and my face is tingling a bit and feeling hot. As long as my mouth doesn't start watering [fingers crossed] I think I should be okay...