Sunday, April 27, 2008

More Side Effects

Today is a side effect day for sure. After breakfast, I took a nap until 3 pm. I've since been awake dealing with side effects: a nose that gets dry and bleeds in both sides; dry lips with a cut on my lip that won't heal (I cut my lip in an attempt to kiss Beau on the head - he stood up while I was doing it); tenderness and redness around the radiation treatment area; and aching legs, knees & elbows.

Another side effect is in the emotional realm. Emotional upset is the number one side effect. I'm a little down about things right now. It's likely I'm just experiencing side effects and it's a tough one because it feels real. Maybe it is...

I also was a little angry yesterday about having to go through all this. Then as I was heading down the road, I saw a guy jogging. His right arm stopped at his elbow. I asked myself, "What would you rather have? What you've got or only one hand like him?" I couldn't play guitar like I do and have so many other freedoms. I wonder what he would give to have his arm back. Then I realized I didn't care for that moment. Because yesterday and today, I can say without hesitation, I am tired of being strong.

I don't want to be strong right now. I want this to end. I am so tired of experiencing the Gerson detox flare-ups and now side effects from chemo & radio therapy. Yesterday I got so mad because I can't leave the house without food, pain medication, a special seat and I have to wear long sleeves because one of my pain medications requires I stay out of the sun.

I don't mean to complain. We all have problems. Every one of us. But if you're reading this blog, it's because you asked. So, I'm telling you what I feel. I feel lousy and I would love a break.

And I know Daniela has been working non-stop for the last year and she is tired. Beau's now 18-months old and she has to constantly follow him all over the house to keep him from falling off of anything he can climb, in addition to taking care of all of us. Fortunately, my in-laws were up here for the week and not only was it a joy to spend the time with them, but they were incredibly helpful with both kids (and me!) which really made the week wonderful.

It's just three more weeks of radiation (14 treatments) and maybe the tumor will shrink and along with it so will my pain. And then I can follow Beau around the house or yard. Or maybe cook while Daniela spends time with the kids. I'll give her what ever she wants. And not just while the pain is gone. But for a long, long time. And right now, time feels real, real long.


  1. Daybreak follows the darkest hour of night.

  2. So did you feel better after typing this entry? I hope you did. This blog (to me) feels like Gerson for the soul. A pure way to detox all those negative feelings that naturally come along with this disease. You shouldn't apologize for having an on-line flare up. I think its safe to say the everyone reading this wishes they could make the pain disappear for you. Keep the flare-ups and everything else coming, what ever it takes to help you become cancer free, you have a whole community that loves you.....