Sunday, January 11, 2009

Just Ten More Weeks

The "fog" (aka chemo-brain) I referred to on December 29, 2008, seems to be getting a little thicker. I feel somewhat disconnected to the people around me as a result of the spaciness the chemotherapy creates. And I am becoming less and less motivated to accomplish the tasks I set out to accomplish and even less interested in even accomplishing them at all. I do complete the things I set out to do, but there's no saying when or how long it will take.

Throughout this experience I have committed myself to letting go of how I believe life should be or how life should look, yet this particular in one - having "my way" - as I've mentioned before, is not an easy one for me to let go of. Even though I am aware that my mind will eventually become clear once this is through with the chemotherapy, I am also aware that it will likely get worse before it gets better. And to be quite honest, it's a real drag to deal with.

Thursday night was quite a different experience. For about an hour or so I found myself filled with anxiety. Once I realized I was in the midst of it, I was able to stand back and objectively observe what I was thinking and feeling which kept me from being under the illusion that something was "wrong." However, observing my own anxiety objectively did not remove the emotional intensity that accompanied the passing thoughts of fear along with the thought that "all is wrong." The experience was still awfully unpleasant.

After I shared my experience with Daniela, she checked in with a friend who is also a chemo doctor and was informed that anxiety is a very common side effect of chemotherapy and should it continue, should be addressed with medication to avoid prolonged anxiety issues. Wouldn't that just be a treat!!! More pills! Whi-hew!!!

Anyway, I have to say I am truly blown away by all that has occurred thus far in my cancer experience. I could never have imagined it to be what it has been. From one aspect, I have experienced constant physical struggles and occasional mental anguish. Yet from another aspect - in the area of emotional growth - I have found my heart to be more "open" than it has ever been and my degree of compassion for others to be far greater (I suppose I should add that it's far greater when I'm not miserable and grumpy from the chemo side-effects!). Ten more weeks and this chemo treatment will be complete. Just ten more weeks...


  1. I woke up this morning wondering how you guys were, no post in a while. For myself when I don't post often, that means I'm not that good. I, too have TEN more weeks of chemo and reality really set in when the oncologist's PA said to me last Wednesday, "you know Madelene, you need to face that you may not feel "GOOD" until April or May! (Iwill also have 6 weeks of radiation after this!) Meanwhile, every weekend I run a fever and my bones ache! That's when I get anxious, then by Monday, I'm good and then Chemo is Wednesday!! I know pretty much what your going through. We must cling tight to the good stuff, to the REAL us. What a great day it will be at the end of March to greet ourselves again, with newfound wisdom and clarity that for now we only get little glimpses of. What a great day it will be to be, in essence, to be given back to our families, ready to rock and roll in every sense of the phrase!!! Peace out!!!
    I'm hanging. you hang too!
    Love to your family,
    Madelene Boudreaux

  2. So what does it mean if you feel in a fog and not very motivated and you are not taking Chemo treatments? Should I be worried? Given that we are our own worst critics, I get why this upsets you so much. In my mind, you have already accomplished your greatest task of beating cancer. You are an amazing person, fog or no fog.
    Keep the faith brother, the lighthouse at the end of the fog is quickly approaching.
    Love ya,