"I must confess, the risk of death takes all the fun out of it." ~ Robert Scholl on Cancer

Surgery Five Days Away

I just read my last entry/update and noticed I did not provide the specifics as I promised...

Well, I'm going to get that...later. What I will say now is that surgery is still scheduled for Friday October 28th, time to be determined. In the mean time, I have been doing a lot of different types of energy work with a variety of practitioners. I am in an extraordinary space as a result.

Just like the first time I was diagnosed, I am clear this recent diagnosis is a gift as much as the last one was. In case you're unclear what I mean, I'm clear that all in life is the gift, not just what I like. And all the joy, pain, fear, sadness, happiness, etc., are all part of the package. I believe we are provided every experience we have as an opportunity to live life with love & gratitude, and sometimes it just seems like that 's not even an option. It's mind blowing managing circumstances such as this and yet actually easier (at least currently) than dealing with my wife leaving me. It's easier to have a positive attitude about the cancer diagnosis because it does no good to argue with cancer. It doesn't listen. You can't change it's mind, so you accept it - at least I do.

I was speaking with my friend, Christina, while I was at Sloan Kettering last time and she articulated it quite well. These experiences I am having, i.e., cancer diagnosis, don't keep me from living the life I've been given. They are part of the life I've been given, the experience I have been provided. Part my journey, not a delay or distraction from it.

And at the moment, I am still resisting the thought of surgery and chemotherapy.  Not like I won't do it, I'm just noticing my thought process and the resistance that's present. And I'm also quite anxious, which I notice most when I find myself being annoyed & judgmental about whatever I'm dealing with. I've noticed a lot lately the circumstance I'm annoyed with is often not why I am actually annoyed. But sometimes I'd rather be annoyed with something surface than actually deal with my sadness and frustration with how my life has gone in the last year. There are aspects of "the gift" for which I am currently not experiencing gratitude, to say the least. And yet, I am grateful for my life. Funny thing how that all seems to show up all at once...

Like the fella in this photo. Just because he has snakes squirming through his skull doesn't mean doesn't mean he's not grateful for his life.......

I just added a feature to this blog. There's a spot on the top left corner where you can now subscribe to this blog and have email posts emailed directly to you. Very cool. Very convenient.

Thank You

I have made my decision. I will have my surgery and post-surgery chemotherapy done at Memorial Sloan Kettering. The surgery date is Friday October 28th. I will provide the specifics in the next day or two.

I also need to share that I am overwhelmed with joy & tears by the enormous generosity of the people in my life. I agreed to have surgery at Sloan Kettering, letting go of my fears about whether the logistics of it would be manageable. And today as I confirmed nearly all of my lodging accommodations for treatments in New York, I was suddenly in tears and present to immense gratitude. I realized how concerned and worried I really was about it all working out. I'm constantly present to how I do not have the support of my spouse like I did last time, and I won't pretend it doesn't concern me at times. Yet I feel completely taken care of right now as a result of all who have made themselves available to me, family & friends, by simply offering their time, love & energy to me. It's not just the actual accomodations and physical presence of others that has me feeling supported, but the offers all of you have made to be available to me however & whenever I may need you.

I also have the possibility of an apartment 5 minutes from downtown Ithaca in the works. If you know of any possible apartments available in Ithaca, please let me know.

Thank you for being such extraordinary people.
Love Bert

3rd Opinion at Sloan Kettering Monday October 10th

On Monday October 10th, I have an appointment at Sloan Kettering with a liver surgeon. I will receive his recommended treatment for conventional oncology as well as his recommendation about a clinical trial called Hepatic Arterial Infusion, where chemotherapy is injected directly into the hepatic artery and thus directly into the liver. This would be in lieu of surgery. What immediately comes to mind is that I will only participate in a clinical trial if it's in the final stages and very safe. And I am going there to listen and ask questions. I will make a decision after all my questions have been answered.

The odd thing about Sloan Kettering is that they scheduled my appointment with an oncologist on November 2nd because the demand for oncology appointments are far greater than the request for surgical appointments. I don't know if I want to wait until November 2nd to speak with an oncologist. And we'll see, based on how Monday's appointment goes.

Biopsy Results "As Expected"

I received a call from my surgeon's office and they said the biopsy results were "as expected." The mass is malignant and in lay people's terms, is Colon Cancer, which means it is metastasis, which I believe is better than a diagnosis of liver cancer. And regardless, there's nothing really better, one verses the other.

All data is being faxed to Sloan Kettering today. I will receive a call back from Sloan Kettering when they are ready to schedule an appointment.

The reason I'm getting a third opinion is because I want doctors who are among the best in the world in their fields, to give me their surgical and post-surgery treatment (i.e., chemotherapy) recommendations. I've received some conflicting post-treatment chemotherapy recommendations, which I'm not going to elaborate on right now, and having a third opinion may provide me more clarity. Or less. But that's the rub when it comes to multiple opinions. The choice is ultimately up to the patient; they can engage in the decision making or they can be apathetic and simply do what's recommended, as some patients are, due the overwhelming nature of such a diagnosis.

So, that's the scoop. And I have a picture of the liver biopsy (which I took with my phone) if you want to check it out ; )

Surgery Postponed for 3rd Opinion

I have postponed my surgery date in order to obtain a third opinion from the doctors at Sloan-Kettering and I'm currently in the process of scheduling my third opinion appointment.

As this week began and my surgery date got closer, I became very clear that I do not want to have any regrets about the choice I made. I also distinguished that I was not getting a third opinion because of the "inconvenience" it would be to do so. It's funny how such an absurd thought can still show up even with all I have already been through.