Friday, May 2, 2008

Looking Forward to Surgery

I have definitely been tired lately. It's amazing how it hits me. Either early afternoon or around 7 or 8 pm I am suddenly exhausted and struggle to get upstairs to take a nap. And when it hits me, it hits me hard. I've also noticed that as I spend these recent days so tired, I am less aware of the passing of time and each day seems to be passing so quickly. To be under such a powerful influence as the side effects of my treatment, leaves me feeling incredibly blessed to be home and under the care of my family. I want to be with my loved ones if I am going to be so subtly "out of it."

On another note, it has been brought to my attention on more than one occasion, that I do not clearly convey the amount of pain I am in on a daily basis. That doesn't really surprise me. I'm not particularly interested in filling these posts with complaints about my pain. It never really ends, so if I told you about it in every entry, I'd never stop talking about it. I just assumed I was making it clear.

But since I've now voiced it, I will share with you that I mostly lay down or recline during the day because to sit - even on a soft chair - often causes me too much pain. My Tempurpedic seat cushion provides significant relief on the 50 minute car rides to Guthrie in Sayre, PA or an occasional pain free meal at the kitchen table. And standing for more than a minute or two is beyond tolerable. However, walking works for me as long as it's not for long distances. I'd say I can walk 50 to 100 ft. without a problem. If I walk further than that, I will more than likely run to the restroom as fast as my legs can carry me. Kind of odd that I can walk with ease, but to stand is brutal.

And speaking of the restroom - yeah, I'm about to talk about it - I am having increased pain during my "visits" to the bathroom. I could increase the morphine, but I'm already taking 5 mg every four hours. And I really don't want to take anymore, because I'm tired of being under the influence of it all day as it is. So, I am going to give my surgeon a call on Monday and see what he recommends in hopes that he will offer an alternative to "more morphine." And now that I have made it clear about the pain, I can now say I am so tired of being in pain and really sick of being on morphine.

Yup. I am actually looking forward to surgery. Because I will no longer have a tumor that causes me pain. It has gotten real old. To tell you the truth, I guess I am lucky to be able to look forward to the pain relief. Not everybody has that to look forward to. And as of late, I wish I could go into surgery tomorrow and be done with all of this.

1 comment:

  1. Bert,

    I thought I had a tough last two weeks, going for Interleukin-2 treatment in the hospital for a week and then recovering at home. I read your blog tonight and your words helped me put things in perspective.

    Thank you for reminding me that pain is sometimes a significant part of a day and that if I am not experiencing pain or the dulling of my senses from pain meds that I should not take this blessing for granted.

    Suffering, tumors, more of it... I know that this may be in my future too, Melanoma is no easy weed to trim, but thank you for reminding me not to take a painless day for granted.