The Last Few Days

Well, Wednesday I went home from the hospital with a pump inside of a fanny-pack hanging form my hip. It had 5-FU chemotherapy in it and pumped continuously through Friday at 1:30 PM (a 46-hour drip). On Thursday, I sat around the kitchen table with friends and we played our guitars. It felt great to be out.

And when I woke up Friday morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. The toxins felt heavy running through my body and once I did get up and ate some food, the nausea revealed itself. However, once I got moving I felt a little better. I got to the hospital, they unhooked the pump and then gave me my Neulasta shot (aka Pegfilgrastim). Neulasta is an e coli based pharmaceutical designed to stimulate white blood cell growth. The side-effect is pain in the bones, similar to flu symptom type aches. I felt them for about 24-36 hours after the shot. Reason being is because it's the bones that create the white blood cells and as since the Neulasta causes an serious increase in production, it actually hurts. I took Tylenol for it as recommended. It seemed like using a Dixie cup of water to put out a camp fire.

So, I returned home from the hospital on Friday, only to feel nauseated again. I spent the afternoon laying on the couch occasionally stoking the fire in the wood stove, a nice feature when feeling a bit gloomy. Late afternoon, a friend came by with dinner and talked with me until I was started falling asleep. On Saturday I woke up to the sound of my friend's voice. Again, the toxins felt heavy running through my body. The only difference between this day and the previous was the nausea didn't wait around for me to eat something and and my bones were aching from the Neulasta shot. My friend put some water on the stove for tea and we talked while I got acclimated, unfortunately, to feeling like hell.

My folks came by on Saturday afternoon and spent the day with us. We had a nice day together and went for a walk down the street to see the neighborhood waterfall in hopes that some movement might help me feel better. A little later in the afternoon the nausea got bad so I took an anti-nausea med. Thank goodness my folks were here when I did. The stuff knocked me out cold, which is not workable when I'm caring for my little boy. So on Monday, I will put in a call to the doctors office and ask them to do what the insurance company requires so I can be prescribed the next best anti-nausea med on the list (the insurance companies like to put their customers on the less expensive medications first, then work them up the ladder as needed).

This morning I still felt nauseous but seemed to move through it a little easier. The poisoned feeling was still pretty strong as well. Once the afternoon came, we went to a friends house for a play date, where I could just rest quietly on the couch and watch football and move through the waves of nausea. The little guy having friends (he loves) to play with while I rest easy really makes a huge difference. And my being around friends I love, happy to be with me while I'm not feeling well, definitely makes a huge difference for me.

I'm feeling significantly better this evening. Perhaps round one of chemotherapy will wrap up tonight.

Lately...

I haven't written anything in while because each time I start an entry, it becomes too much for me to complete it. It's come to the point that I can rarely concentrate for long periods of time. And the last two posts I attempted were reflections upon my current state; they're unfinished and in my Drafts Folder because it's just too much to write the type of entry that takes any significant amount of thought.

I experience a significant lack of motivation along with low self-esteem and low energy. Again, I'm clear these are side-effects and not my emotional response to my experience. My current emotional response is more of frustration and feeling a bit beaten down. The closest thing to depression I experience is much less depression and far more a case of the blues, as a result of being frustrated and tired of all of this. Which brings me to my next thought which is, "Thank Heavens I am nearly done" and "Dear God, may I please still be cancer-free following my next scan so I don't have to do this all again because it is really hard?"

And on that note, I'm going to sit on the couch with Beau and watch his favorite morning program.

Voices of Survivors

Voices of Survivors is a website created by Lynn Lane - a survivor of prostate cancer. Lynn is an online friend I made after I stumbled upon his cancer blog one day while perusing the web for the cancer blogs of others.

Voices of Survivors is in the beginning stages and exists to give voice to those who have survived cancer. Each short video is direct, concise & simple, yet exhibits the power of something uniquely beautiful: the voice of a survivor. I know very little about the project, but I love what I have seen so far.

I only received the link from Lynn moments ago and had to share it with you as soon as I saw it. It quickly triggered a thought for me. Or I guess I should say a question. Inside the context of cancer, what is a survivor?

For me, a survivor is someone who has found the capacity to live a life they love - empowered - as fully as they are able - while they endure their journey with cancer. A survivor may die from their disease, or from something else for that matter, but they are a survivor nonetheless because they did not succumb to the fear, the anger or the hopelessness that can so easily consume a person unwilling to accept the road that lies before them. And for those who have succumb to the darkness that lurks about the minds of those who have been diagnosed with cancer, I acknowledge each of them simply for having to hear the words, "You have cancer."

There is indeed something to be said for those who beat cancer and live for many years to follow. But for me, a survivor is someone who chooses to be alive as they face the possibility of death. Some will live. Some will die. But those who choose life - even while they are dying - to me - are by all means Survivors.

Do you agree? Disagree? How do you define a Survivor? I'd love to hear what you think! Click here and let us know.

If you haven't checked out the website yet, click on the link above. Again, the sight is still in the early stages, but it's definitely worth checking out.

...One More Thing

I just finished reading all of your comments you posted while I was away.

Thank you.
It means so much to know that you are with us. And to come home and read all the kind and loving words you have shared with my family and me is very moving.


Now I'll take my nap.

Update

On Monday morning at 8:30, we were picked up by a shuttle in San Diego and we arrived at Baja Nutricare at 9:30 AM. Two other folks were waiting as well - husband and wife. She has breast cancer and he's not accustomed to this type of diet. We all feel "new" and very curious.

Once in, I immediately had blood drawn and my vitals checked. We were shown our room and had a tour of the facility. Chris and I each have a single bed in the same room. It's a descent space.

I was "walked through" both enemas on Monday. Today I did them with Chris's assistance. Enemas will take some getting used to - shocker!

My blood work came back today and it was very good. Dr. Cervantes said my liver count and cholesterol were both amazing!!! He said it looked like the numbers he sees for vegan patients!!! It should definitely make my detox a little bit easier.

We had a Norwalk Juicer demonstration. I've never tasted carrot juice that was as good as this stuff. All a result of the type of grinding process and (I'm guessing more importantly) the 2000 lb press that's used to extract the juice.

Tomorrow Charlotte (Gerson) will be visiting and speaking to us as a group as well as individually.

I feel great and, I am a bit low energy - the detoxification process has begun. It commonly shows up as fatigue. The flare-ups haven't begun yet, although I am experiencing a bit of a sore throat but only from the evening through the morning. I may have brought it here with me. We'll see.