Tuesday, October 16, 2007

pomp & circumstance

The on-gpoing soreness has changed in sensation and it seems I may be dealing with a little prostitis, for which I'm taking an antibiotic. Dr. Cervantes has also recommended I take two different herbal rememdies - Saw Palmetto and something he called Pygeum Africanum. He also recommended that I take probiotics after I am done with the antibiotics. Yes, these are things I have heard of (except for the Beechum Africana), but I have to say, I love that my MD is recommending which herbs to use. That's not common in my world.

The last two nights I woke up around 3 AM in too much pain to sleep. So, I came downstairs, applied an ice pack, popped in a DVD (reading takes too much out of me when I'm in pain) and watched half a movie to which I fell asleep. Right now as I'm typing, I'm shifting around trying to find different sitting/laying positions that will result in less pain. Although I'm having no luck. My legs still ache every day - on & off - and earlier I felt nauseous for a couple of hours. To tell you the truth, I'm looking forward to the end of all this pomp & circumstance so I can just do my therapy and be free of all of these detox flare-ups which are supposed to end sometime soon. So how am I doing? I am really tired of being in pain. And...what are ya gonna do?

On another note, it has become down right odd being away from work for this long. Feelings of guilt occasionally slip in and then I think to myself, "Hmm. What ever inconveniences may exist as a result of my not being at the office, you can be certain your co-workers would choose that over having cancer." For the most part, I rarely remember what it feels like to know that someone else has cancer. Yes that probably sounds odd, but for me it has become so normalized, that I have to remember that my perspective was quite different when I was only a quiet outside observer of the world of cancer - knowing little and wanting to know less.

Occasionally, a thought will pop up as they have in the past, where I'll think, "Holy Christmas, I have cancer!" but those thoughts are honestly quite rare. What presences me to it more than anything else is when I hear of another's diagnosis. Most recently, I found out about a 5-year old boy in our community who was diagnosed with cancer - nine tumors found in his liver. My immediate response was tears. As Daniela spoke to his mother over the phone (for about 45 minutes), I must have sobbed three times, going back and forth from being broken hearted about this poor little fella to being at a complete loss about what his parents must be going through while they take care of their three-year old and a two month old. I have definitely become very sensitive to other people's "suffering" and I'm glad I have. Lately, I find myself to be quite present to how precious life is - this cancer has provided some beautiful things.

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