Tuesday, August 21, 2007


This afternoon, as I prayed for healing - for my body to heal fully and completely - I began to cry. And quickly my praying led to begging. It totally caught me by surprise. I got so scared that this cancer is not going to slow down.

Fear has continued to show up throughout this whole experience. I express it and share it - whatever feels right - so it doesn't just sit inside me. But lately, I have been resisting it - not wanting to acknowledge my fear - in hopes that it would disappear. I thought if I felt afraid, it would mean I had been beaten, so I replaced my fear with positive thoughts. This afternoon with the help of a new friend, Megan, I remembered something I learned quite a while ago: Courage is not fearlessness. Courage is being afraid and taking action anyway.

On my Saturday August 11th entry, I mentioned the heartbreak I felt about cancer and for those who are diagnosed. Today I realized it's more personal than that for me. Before I was diagnosed, it never dawned on me that I could get cancer. I believed that because I was in great shape, ate well, worked hard, "did the right thing" in the world and for my family (and occasionally drank a little more than necessary), that I would live a long healthy life, uninterrupted by such things. Once I was diagnosed and got present to how real this is, I was heartbroken - I just didn't know it. It broke my heart that the "world" I lived in, or my reality, was not the real world. In the world I lived in, healthy, 36-year old men did not get cancer. In the real world, "healthy" 36-year old men do get cancer. And when I came to terms with that - that the real world was not as safe as I thought - it broke my heart. And to tell you the truth - right now - I still don't particularly care for it. But don't worry. That doesn't include you. I like you just fine.


  1. Rob... Really powerful words today.


  2. Bert,

    We want you to know that we have missed seeing you, and yet know that as you are in your healing space, so are we. You have helped me tremdously in going through this past month, as having quit my job of 36 years, I had alot of thinking and grieving to do. It has given me time to focus on Jim and the healing that he needs as well as to focus on the healing that my own body needs. Your words have been so honest, sincere and wise...and have helped me so very much...so I say thank you for being there for me...we think of you often and keep you all in our thougts and prayers.

    Take care...and we patiently wait until we can visit...

    Jim and Patti