Thursday, August 9, 2007

What keeps me up at night?

Yesterday and this morning when I woke up, I felt a lot of fear. Fear of what could be. Specifically...a permanent colostomy. It's makes me nearly sick to even type the words on this page. That is what scares me about my diagnosis and that is what keeps me up at night worried or scared. I don't even want that possibility to exist in your head when you think of me. It is a privilege to have a fully in-tact body and I have gotten really present to gratitude for such privilege. And let's be honest, if I'm going to rely on medical technology to stay alive, can it not be a permanent colostomy? I am SO not okay with the idea of a colostomy.

Both of the doctors I saw told me, "Oh, you'll be fine. You'll get used to it and before you know it, it will be "old hat." Lots of people have them. Professional athletes, actors, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..." Oh Yeah? That's nice, Doc. Thanks for sharing. I'm going to go scream my brains out now, okay? Yeah. Have a nice day.

I would imagine there is probably one or more people reading this that has a colostomy. I hear it's more common then we think. And that doesn't make it any less scary. Of course this is all fear of the unknown, which if I wanted to give it even more energy, could easily consume my thoughts and my life with or without a diagnosis. So, I am clear that fearing the unknown is about as beneficial as chewing rocks. And, right now, that's what's in my space.


  1. Heya Bert,
    What's keeping me up at night is me questioning why I haven't yet chimed in here. I've been reading your writings from the very beginning, and every time I want to sit down and write you, I somehow convince myself how so very busy I am now that I've moved down here to Cape Coral, FL. Then, I think of all the boxes I've yet to unpack, and all the stereo gear I have to plug back together in order to get to work on the recordings I made back in May at your benefit; but then, I convince myself that there is still too much work to do getting this new computer here ready to do any of that editing work at all anyway..

    But then, just when I'm ready to write you to tell you that I check in here all the time for great bits of courage and inspiration, you go ahead like you did in your August 2nd entry and let me off the hook, saying "What I want you to know is that I am really okay with it if you're not up for a call or an email." Well, hot damn brother, that threw me off by another whole week......which somehow also gave me reason not to get in touch with a whole lot of other people I haven't talked to in a while, too..

    Well, it all came to a boil this evening after work. A couple of days ago, I was so proud of myself for figuring out how to program the digital TV box so that each time the power is turned on, Reggae Music Channel 932 comes on. When I got home from my job today, I flipped the cable TV power on like I always do now, and went into the kitchen to open the day's mail (like I always do now...seeing a pattern here?).........but then all of a sudden, I hear such a joyful noise! They're playing 'Soul Love' by 10 Foot Ganja Plant!!!!!! How cool is that?

    I figure, I gotta get on the web and see what-and-if this band's up to now.........I find out that their disc, "Presents", was just re-released in June, and your tune, 'Top Down' is a bonus track on it now!! Congratulations!! That completed the circle for me, and finally got me to sit down here and write you.

    I'll have to get hold of Char at home yet in NY, cause I know I have your email addy there. I love ya brother, and am looking forward to the time we all will be standing around the fire singing songs. Let Daniela know we have all your tropical birds, warm breezes, and beach sand right down here.........hope you'll come for a visit sometime.

    Jah provide,