Sunday, April 6, 2008


Last night was an odd nights sleep. I swear I woke up every 45 minutes to an hour. And then I would slowly fall back asleep only to do it all again. I think it may have been a result of the morphine in my system without enough water. The stuff dehydrates me. And in the midst of last nights sleeplessness, I felt a very slight dehydration headache - the kind I used to get when I first started taking morphine. I already have a humidifier. So, I'll drink more water this evening and see how it goes.

My dreams have been a bit...well, violent lately. I'm the kind of person that has epic dreams. I dream for what seems like hours with the story constantly changing and growing. In my dreams of the last few nights, I have been doing my best to stay out of the way of some real tough cats - often with blades or razors in their hands. These are some real serious hoodlums and they mean business. I've steered clear of them each night, but I must say I'm getting a bit tired of running. Tonight, if I remember to, I'm going to let them know whose dream this is and it's going my way whether they like it or not. I learned that technique from my brother Kiff when I was a kid. But I only ever remember to use it after a series of these types of dreams.

I imagine it also has a lot to do with the new direction I am taking and any concerns I have about my own health & wellness, not to mention the surgery which will happen in the late summer. I noticed I have felt a bit cornered or forced to do this conventional treatment. I haven't chosen it yet. I learned a handful of years ago that until I "choose" the path I am on, whether or not I feel like I have a choice, that path will occur like a burden. And the reality is, I do have a choice and I have chosen this path. So, I'll do some work on that tomorrow and get myself in a healthy frame of mind. And then "choose" this new direction.


  1. i see you're still unsure about the whole chemo route, but i think you have reason to feel more confident about it. atleast i'm feeling a lot more confident for you.
    my story goes like this: i started having a lot trouble breathing about two years ago. it sounded like a mild case of wheezing to anyone who could listen, but it was a lot more than that. i literally had to struggle to breathe some nights. eventually i found out i had hodgkins and would need 6 months of chemo. the reason i was having trouble breathing was because the tumors were located in my chest and were pressing down on my lungs. before my first chemo treatment my doctor said to me: "after this first treatment (of 12), your breathing should be 90 percent back to normal". i found it really hard to believe him because i had been living with that condition for months and had somehow gotten used to it, but believe it or not -- after that first treatment i could breathe 100 percent perfect. it felt like a miracle. why i had to go another 6 months i'll never understand, but i guess i'm not complaining :)
    anyway.. i know our types of cancer are completely different, but i do feel like you have reason to get your hopes up and to put a lot more faith in your new plan of action.

  2. Hi Bert.
    I have been on vacation for a week, and have just been catching up. Lots and lots of miles you have been crossing.
    I too had the port put into the same place as you; a good decision. Drawing blood, getting chemo, even anesthesia (if/when you have to get scans again) is all so much easier this way. Everyone reacts differently, but the insertion of this was not a very painful deal, (although weird....really, its all weird).
    You are so smart to go through the "smorgesboard" of this world, and take the best from all that's available. With my breast cancer, I decided to place my bets where the odds were best (regarding what stands up to verifiable research, etc.) The hospital I went to has an "Integrated Medical Building". It was there that I consulted with research doctors, who were doing long term (phase 1,2 and 3)research on maitake mushrooms, curcumin, and other supplements and vitamins. They have an important role in treatment. There is some controversy regarding whether or not to use these during chemo & radiation, or whether to wait until those agents have have fulfilled their intrepid mission,...and then lay on the supplements, anti-oxidents, ect. I'm sure you will look into all angles of this, and do what is right for you. It sounds to me like you are doing just what you should be; putting together this jig saw puzzle in your own way, combining local with outside consultation, and conventional with complementary. You are undoubtably in a state from the discipline of Gersons to go through the chemo/radiation. And goodness/healing/kindness is all around; in that world too.

  3. Good luck today.....I hope all went well!!

  4. Thinking of you today, Bert & Daniela!