Friday, January 25, 2008

In the Hands of Angels

I have to say it feels great to have such a positive attitude again. My attitude fluctuates and when it comes to feeling down, pain has been a strong catalyst in my life. However, lately I am so excited about my body healing that the pain is not impacting me emotionally. Let's be honest - pain along side a life threatening disease can easily feel real scary. Keep in mind the pain isn't terrible - it's just a lot of discomfort that's a result of the detox but it's a consistent enough low-grade pain that it gets annoying. Another truth is that the pain gets more annoying when I put off a coffee break or a sitz bath because I want to "finish what I'm doing." Well the good thing to remember is that in Gerson Therapy, pain is often a good thing - not always, but often. Because it means I'm detoxing and that is absolutely fantastic!

As I reflect, it seems that I am also able to stay positive when I am not feeling well because 1) I chose to take on a positive attitude during these times and 2) because I forgave myself for having cancer. The impact of that choice was subtle, but I believe it was powerful. There are many decisions I made throughout my life that could have contributed to my current state and I don't need judgment about it lurking around in my head. It's so easy to judge ourselves for past decisions and it's just as easy to not notice that judgment and instead just view it as "what is so" as opposed to what it really is - a judgment and assessment about how life could have been done differently. Well, I have forgiven myself for my past mistakes. My job is not to be perfect but to learn and grow and that's exactly what I am doing.

In what way has this cancer diagnosis been a contribution to my life? I have far more compassion for others. I find it much easier to cry when I hear of another's pain. Two days ago, I found out that a good friend's 19 year old brother was diagnosed with Brain Cancer. What did I do? I cried. How could I not?

In the past, I would have felt sad but likely not the desire to cry or if I did feel it, I would not let it out. I have come to realize that tear ducts and the ability to cry is not a random occurrence, but rather a form of access to my heart. Not to mention I believe it is also a form of toxin release. As I sat with my father as he was dying (about five years ago), I found that each time I cried, an aching in my body went away. After a while, if I felt the ache building up, I would simply presence myself to the coming loss of my father and I would cry and the ache disappeared. That's a beautiful thing.

Initially it was easier to not cry about things in life - it was already turned off. Heck I used to watch the movie The Champ just so I could get myself to cry, otherwise I couldn't because it was buried so deeply inside me. As of late, it is actually harder to not cry. And when I think of the teachings of the greatest spiritual teachers, it seems that compassion for others is far more present for me when my capacity to cry is not blocked by insecurities about how my crying will occur to others. Heck, prior to diagnosis, I would never even share anything like this in public - are you kidding me??? Well, I love that I feel so free to cry nowadays. It's a privilege and it keeps me present to the glorious gift we call LIFE.

Looking into the eyes of others and being willing to share my heart and being open to yours - it's like falling in love with people all the time. No, I would still pass on having cancer (thank you very much), but I can not express how grateful I am for the gifts that have come with it; it did not come alone, but in the hands of Angels. We are indeed blessed in this life with all that we receive. The world does not change - we do.

No comments:

Post a Comment