Reflection

I would like to begin by expressing my gratitude to you for reading this blog. It means a lot to me that you have taken the time to read about how I am doing. Thanks.

A few days ago, I was thinking about the second entry I ever posted on this blog. I was SO anxious about posting my true feelings. What will you think? What will you say to others when I'm not around? Will I regret being so honest? The day I wrote it, I kept reading the entry over and over. And each time read it, I would glance down at the PUBLISH POST button, and reconsider posting some of my deepest thoughts for the whole world to see. Eventually, I clicked on that button and went to bed. When I woke up the next day, all that fear - all those questions - it was all gone. And I was that much more free to share my experience with you. Every time I jump off that cliff, I don't fall further, I fly higher. It's funny how I still question it no matter how many times I do it.

So this evening I read that entry again and I was amazed at how anxious I was about posting it. Now I read it and the entry just makes sense. My feelings about the purpose behind this cancer are as true now as they were then if not more so. And it's become easier to post my feelings as time has passed. There are some things I would like to share with you that I haven't been willing to post. You know - I've typed the entry - re-read it, re-typed it - then deleted the whole thing [No way an I tellin' 'em that!!!]. Maybe some day. The funny thing is, I don't even remember what it was I was so unwilling to write. Who knows, maybe I've since written it and don't even realize it.

I'm grateful for how connected I feel because of this blog. I feel connected at a time when I have little energy to devote to personal visits, phone calls, email, etc. That's pretty sweet.