Saturday, July 28, 2007


Yesterday I cried. I watched The Last Samurai in hopes that I might come into contact with whatever sadness is within me - that I might cry from watching the film. There is no question in my mind that crying releases toxins from the body and I spent way too many years totally disconnected from my natural human ability to cry. It was like it didn't even exist from so many years of avoiding it because "it wouldn't appear masculine." I used to rent the saddest movie I knew - "The Champ" - in the mid to late 90's just so I could get myself to cry. I could feel it in me, but I had no idea how to let it out.

So, yesterday I watched The Last Samurai and each time I do I am moved by the honor, integrity and discipline by which the Samurai lived. And each time it breaks my heart to see such selfless beings betrayed, only for them to choose death with honor and integrity over breaking their vow to their scared and gullible King. It's such a pointless loss. And then it hit me - deep sadness at the thought of not being able to watch the boys grow up and grow old with Daniela.

There has certainly been no diagnosis that would suggest such a thing, yet it's certainly possible. Tomorrow is promised to no one. I do have an excellent chance of beating this and I know in my heart that I will live through it. Yet at the same time, I can not predict the future and much of what appears to be sad, bad and wrong in life, often brings beauty and transformation.

So, I was relieved to cry as hard as I did. I had no idea I had such sadness in me and I was glad to let it out. I have no problem with it being there, but I am committed to it being expressed - not buried - not ignored. But faced with an open heart just as I do this disease as much as I can each day.


  1. Robert-sending you love and healing from California. I don't know you but I have read your blog and think you are a brave, intelligent, evolved human. I was involved tangentially in the making of the Last Samurai, and I am glad it has provided a release for you. I may be relocating to Ithaca in the Spring, and I saw your wife's post on Craig's list. My thoughts, healing energy, and admiration are being sent to you.

  2. Hi, Bert, my friend,

    I've been away for a while, visiting friends, and one of the first things I've done since getting home about an hour ago is to get caught up on your blog. Interesting: not crying isn't limited to males, you know. I had to learn how to do that, too. And now I'm pretty good at it, lol! Practice makes ... better.

    Schatzie and I go visit Vicky and Oscar once a week, and every time I pull into the lot, I have to remind myself there's no reason to go to the office to say hi. Your spirit is very much there, Bert -- whether or not that's a good thing in your book! :)

    If you're still looking for an empowering thought to keep you on your bland, yucky who'd-enjoy-it diet -- look again at the most recently posted photo of Beau. He needs you around to teach him how to beat off all the ladies who will flock to his dimples! Chow on, my friend!

    Love and hugs to all of you,

  3. Hi Bert,
    I wonder if you've seen this movie.
    I find it inspiring and I hope you do too.
    Love you so